Jokes and Humour id16

Des Moore's Pigeon Domain

Queensland 10000 one loft race
Judging Racing Pigeons
The Pigeon Wing in Focus
Selecting a Pigeon for Distance Racing
**Where do your Champions live**
My 12 Points
My Breeding Feed Mix
Australian Pigeon Club Contacts 2
List of my Australian ring Collection
Australian Ring Alphabet Prefix
World Wide Information
Selecting a Good Pigeon
World Wide Holiday Information
lost or found a pigeon
Common Pigeon Terms
special Poems
The Darkness System
Australian Pigeon Club Contacts id23
Pigeon Ring Exchange id22
Rings From Falcon nest
One loft and Special Races id21
Special Races
Racing Pigeon Auctions id20
Racing Results
Thought for the day id15
Personal information id3
My lifetime with pigeons id10
Pigeon Photos id4
Race results id11
Winners bred for others
Advertisements id12
Famous pigeon fanciers
Jokes and Humour id16
Cartoons id19
Loft profiles
How True
Catalogues and Sales id6
Winning with Hens
Articles id9
Awards and Trophys id7
Links id8
Denmark directory id18

Des Moores Pigeon Domain

I hope that the following helps you to enjoy your day

If by laughter I can cause you to wipe away one tear from your cheek,
that is my only reward.

If you know a good joke and would like it added here send it to me

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'

The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them beees lie.'


A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. 

It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda. Meanwhile,
Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy.'
Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here -- hang in there.'
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.  'You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.  I don't know how you did it.
That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.
Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'
'Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert -- the little
b*****s name is Johnny.'


After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."


Mrs. Parks, a 6th grade science teacher, asked her class,
"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs.. Parks said, "Very good, Billy, that's correct!"
Then she turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
First ... you have a dirty mind.
Second ... you didn't read your homework.
And third ... one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.


After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.> "No, no, not at all,!!!" she says, still nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who in the hell is he, "That's me before the surgery."


Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink has killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs! and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions..."

" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?


Just before the funeral service, the undertaker came up to the very elderly and frail widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"Ninety-nine," she replied, "one year older than me." "So you're 98?," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Yes...hardly worth going home really, is it?


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her minister she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and secondly, she wanted her ashes scattered over a particular K-Mart store.
"K-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why K-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me at least twice a week."


A man got into his seat on an airline, which was about to take off, when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep says, "Don't mind Sniffer. He's a sniffing dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, " Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says,"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again, he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time, the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and, after a while, sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and messes all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this ! behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks,

"What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"


An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Why"?

The worker yelled back, "His wife's here with his lunch."


Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.


Two good ole, small town boys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a couple of cold beers.
After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your house Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and sqeezed his eyes shut, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even!"


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"
"Aye, That he did, Father..."
"And what did he say?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun..."

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.
'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'
'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'
'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night,
playing my bagpipes.'

The Blonde and the Alligator Shoes  A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.  After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"  The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,
"Little lady, just go and give it a try!"  The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.  Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.  With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.  The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new manager. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the manager notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The manager walks up the guy and asks: "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The manager then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams: "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the manager looks around the room and asks: "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters: "Pizza delivery guy".


A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.  He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."
The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?
... He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."


A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She
glances down the hall, closes his door, and says, "I would
do anything to pass this exam."  She then leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes and says, "I mean," she whispers, 
"I would do anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
His voice softens. "Anything?"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study

John received a parrot as a gift. Unfortunately, the parrot had a bad attitude, an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, laced with profanity. John tried to change the parrot's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up he yelled at the parrot. The bird yelled back! John shook the parrot but the bird only got angrier even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked kicked screamed. Then suddenly, there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms said "I believe I may have offended you with my crude language actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude unforgivable behaviour." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued ."May I ask what the turkey did?"


An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a large pond out the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, BBQ and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a large bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you swim naked or to make you get out of the pond."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."


A parish priest was being honoured at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession


A man walking along a Californian beach was deep in prayer, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,...... "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Please Lord, could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want?" The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic, just think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take plus it will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time......Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife...... I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says, "nothing's wrong!" and how I can make her truly happy?" There was a long silence, and then the Lord replied, "Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?"


Two bored male casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his  cardiologist, he in formed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."


A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, " finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.
The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for her yet again. Using the last of his strength, he
barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear...... "No, I Norwegian."


A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen, and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home, but after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison!"


The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed, looks at me kind of sexy, and says, "Now go to town, cowboy ...


It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders.....6-years-old, because the last one is classic!

1. Better to be safe than......................punch a  5th grader.
2. Strike while the............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of............termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water
6. Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
7. No news is..................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
11. Love all,
12. The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

13. An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is............................not much.
17. Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you...........see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
25. Better late than............................pregnant

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. 

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror


There was an old donkey who fell down a well on a farm. The donkey cried & cried for the farmer to help him, but the farmer paid him no mind.

The farmer was getting tired of the constant noise the donkey was making, so he called all the villagers to help him bury the donkey in the well.

They started burying the donkey, but he would shake the dirt off his back, stomp on it, and make stairs to the top, and eventually got out of the well.

Moral: No matter how much dirt life throws on your back, shake it off and don't let it bring you down.

Then the donkey went and kicked the farmer, and all the other villagers.

The REAL Moral of the story: Don't cover your

ass 'cause it'll always come back to get you.


Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now let the poison work."

Sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale Arizona



A young boy went up to his father and asked him, Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and after that ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we are living with two sluts and a queer."

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words

"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, Well, I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."


Recovering from an operation in a bush hospital, a farmer asked why the blinds were drawn.
Well explained the doctor, there's a bushfire outside and I didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure


A henpecked husband had been ordered by his wife to buy only organic vegetables from the market garden.
These vegetables are for my wife, he said have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?
No said the gardener you will have to do that yourself


The vicar had not seen young Bill at Sunday school, so when he found the lad beside a country road minding his dad's cattle he thought it an appropiarate time to deliver an impropture sermon.
They are fine bullocks, Billy, do you know who made them?
Dad did replied Bill
Oh no the vicar smiled, God made those bullocks
Bill'y shook his head . God made them bulls dad made them bullocks 


Puzzled about his first lesson in evolution young joey arrived home and said
mom is it realy true that i am a descendant of apes,monkeys and gorillas?
I don't realy know darling, she replied, I never knew any of your fathers family


Out for a duck the angry batsman marched into the pavilion and said I have never played so badly before,
The captain appeared suprised, you mean that you have played before


He said that it was love at first sight,
Then why didn't you marry her,
Because he took a second look


During world war two, Adolf Hitler consulted his clairvoyant to find out how long he would live and on what day he would die,
The clairvoyant looked into his chrystal ball and said Mein Fuhrer, I have a vision that you will die on a Jewish holiday
Hitler flew into a rage which Jewish holiday he screamed,
Mein Fuhrer any day you die will be a jewish holiday  


A woman rushed into a hardware store and said, a mouse trap please and please hurry because I have to catch a bus,
Sorry lady said the shopkeper, none of the mousetraps that we have are big enough 


When the little man came home his rather formidable wife gave him such a wallop on the head with a rolling pin that his knees buckled and he fell to the floor
shaking his head groggily he said was that a joke or did you mean it?
I bloody well meant it she said.
That's okay then he said because i don't appreciate jokes like that 


 A man had been contemplating the worlds population, it's amazing he told his friend every time i breathe in and out someone dies.
Have you tried mouthwash said his friend


A very good looking young lady made a visit to a well know portrait artist and asked if he could paint her in the nude,
of course he said but i will have to keep my sox on or i will have nowhere to hold my brushes  


A burgler had just entered a house when a voice said Jesus is watching you, he stopped for a while then started to move again when the same voice said, Jesus is watching you
he shone his torch around the room and spotted a parrot, he asked if the parrot had he said those words,
yes he said, the burgler asked his name, the parrot answered Horse, the burglar said that was a stupid name for a parrot, the parrot came back with it is not as stupid as Jesus for a Rottweiler


A couple had just finished dinner and the waiter was pouring a third glass of port, when he noticed the gentleman slide off his chair and disappear,
Excuse me madam he said your husband is under the table,
No he's not she replied my husband has just come through the door 


A reporter was pressing the old gent on his 100th birthday as to why he had lived so long
Two reasons said the old timer, the first is my life long practice of drinking two whiskies a day,
and the second asked the reporter
cancelling my voyage on the Titanic said the old man


Passing a cemetery late at night a drunk saw a sign, ring the bell for caretaker, he did and a sleepy voice growled, what do you want, the drunk said i wanted to know why you carn't ring the bloomin bell your self


An elderly lady went into the doctors office, when the doctor asked her why she was there she replied, i'd like to have some birth control pills, taken aback the doctor thought for a moment then said, excuse me Mrs Smith but your 75 years old what posible us would you have for birth control pills, the woman responded they help me sleep, the doctor thought some more and continued how in the earth do birth control pills  help you to sleep, the woman said i put them in my grandaughters orange juice and i sleep better


A golfer had a particularly bad game of golf and to top it off when he was walking to his car a policeman stopped him and asked whether he had  teed off on the twelth green about thirty minutes ago and did you hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course
Yes was the answer why
Well said the policeman your ball flew out on to the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield, the car went out of control crashing into five other cars and a fire truck, the fire truck couldn't make it to the fire and the building burned down, so what are you going to do about it
The golfer thought for a while then said **i think i will close my stance a little bit tighten my grip and lower my right thumb**  


Several women appeared in court each accusing the other of the trouble in the apartment building
     where they lived.
The judge with solomon wise wisdom decreeed I'll hear the oldest woman first.
The case was closed because of the lack of


A woman went into a French restaurant for a quick supper, beckoning the waiter over she asks
* do you have frogs legs * oui mosieur,
she said well go leap and fetch me a steak


A traveller was walking down a dark street one night when he was stopped by a tramp, who said excuse me guv would you be so kind as to help a poor unfoutunate who is hungry and out of work, with no money and no wordly possessions except for this sawn off shot gun


Two country land agents were leaning on the pub's verandah rail looking at the dust storm going by
All that country changing hands and were not getting a cent commission grumbled one


Bill breasted the bar and announced **the drinks
 are on me** ive just sold the house for 
as they all placed their orders he added mind you the council might go bananas when they find out


Not Really Good Jokes, judge for yourself


Political Correctness


A cowboy went into the bar and was seated sipping on his drink when a young lady sat down and asked ?,
Are you a real cowboy he answered with, well i suppose i am i live on a ranch i mend fences and brand cattle, yes i am a real cowboy.
She said well i am a lesbian.
When i wake in the morning i think of women, when i have my shower the same when i eat i still think of women, as a matter of fact that is all i think of all day untill i go to bed.
A while later a man walked into the bar sat next to the cowboy and asked ? are you a real cowboy
The answer was well i thought i was but now i think i am a lesbian


A man and a woman were in court both asking custody of their only child,  the lady was the first to give her argument, she said that she had carried the baby for nine months suffered a lot of pain and trauma and had eventually given birth, so she should keep the child, 
The husband was next , he stood for a while saying nothing then said, your honour as i enterd the court house i stopped at the vending machine put a dollar in the slot and got my drink,  who does the drink belong to, i rest my case