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Des Moore's Pigeon Domain

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Des Moores Pigeon Domain

Words of wisdom from
Des Moore 

dumb-people.jpg

If by laughter I can cause you to wipe away one tear from your cheek that is my only reward

If you have a thought for the day that you would like me to add
 

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A woman wears a sweater to accentuate the positive and a girdle to eliminate the positive

The easiest way to teach your children the value of money is to borrow from them

You should put your wife on a pedestal, it makes it easier for her to scrub the ceiling

The advantage of speaking another language is that you can talk behind someone's back right in front of them

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the behind

Success always occurs in private, while failure happens in full public view

A bachelor is a man who never chases a woman he can't outrun

There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it again

Life is a play and it's not the length but it's performance that counts

the first half of your life is ruined by your parents, the second half is ruined by your children

I am writing a drinking song, but I can't get past the first few bars

If they ever put a price on your head take it

If people listened to themselves more often they would talk less

Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old

 It is better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot 

Atheism is a non-Prophet organisation

The future belongs to people who see possibilities before they become obvious.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity

Be on the alert to recognise your prime at whatever time of your life it may occur

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket

Snowflakes are of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they do when they stick together

Some people don't have much to say, but you have to listen a long time to find out

In spite of the cost of living it's still popular

You should not confuse your career with your life

You go to a Psychiatrist when you feel slightly cracked and keep going until you are completely broke

A fine is a tax for doing wrong, a tax is a fine for doing well

Every one has a photographic memory, only some don't have film

The only way three people can keep a secret is if two of them have died

The closest to perfection a person ever comes when they fill out a job application

Light travels faster than sound, that is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
 
When ever a baby is born it shows that god has not given up hope with this world

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip Edit Text

 

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've travelled a long wayand some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

To handle yourself, use your head, to handle others, use your heart

We never know the worth of water till the well is dry 
 

A man's reach should exceed his grasp.

It is not hard to avoid the earthquakes of life, when you find a fault don’t dwell on it.

A gardener is a bloke who calls a spade a spade until he falls over one.

A nun who sleeps with her clothes on can not get out of the habit.

The upkeep of a wife is usually the downfall of a husband.

Time flies like a bullet, fruit flies like an apple.

Those who think they know it all only upset those of us that do.

You wake up to discover your waterbed broke - and you don’t have a waterbed.

You know that you are going to have a bad day when Your blind date turns out to be your ex wife.

No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.

Never stand between a tree stump and a dog.

The two major causes of marriage break up are men and women.

The art of medicine consists of humouring the patient while nature cures the disease.

Remember education is what you get when you read the fine print experience is what you get from not reading it.

Know that its going to be a bad day when you walk to work and find that your dress is tucked into the back of your pantyhose.

You know that it is going to be a bad day when you awake to find the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You know that you are going to have a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You know that you are going to have a bad day when you call your answering service and they tell you to mind your own business.

You know that you are going to have a bad day when your wife says good morning George and your name is Bill.

Know that it is going to be a bad day when you wake up face down on the pavement.

You know that you are going to have a bad day when your tax refund cheque bounces.

A bachelor is a bloke who never finds out how many faults he has.

Don’t drive yourself to drink, get a chauffeur.

When alone, we have our thoughts to watch, in our families, our tempers and in society our tongues

When good cheer is lacking, our friends will be packing

Where there's a will, there's a relative.

The best throw of the dice is to throw them away

Friends are made by many acts - and lost by only one

A calm sea does not make a skilled sailor.

Borrowed Garments Never Fit Well

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Drink a toast to your mums cooking and may your wife never know how bad it was

A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition

Remember the phrase how are you is a greeting not a question.

Chooks are the only thing that you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.

A good many people commit suicide with a knife and fork

Acupuncture fees are so cheap in china its called pin money

Go to church on the Sunday before Christmas and avoid rush.

Diplomacy is when you make your inlaws feel at home when you wish they were

You dont get a second chance to make a first impression

You know that it is going to be a bad day when you awake to find the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard

If you cant learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly

Why spend money tracing your family tree, go into politics and have your opponents do it for you

You know that you are going to have a bad day when the abortion clinic tells you that there is a nine-month waiting list

You know that you are going to have a bad day when you go to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there arent any

 

Behind every successful man stands a very surprised mother in law

When it comes to qualifications its hard to beat having a father that owns the company

Why is it that women say that they have been shopping when they dont buy anything?

The only person who got all his work done by Friday is Robinson Crusoe

If you are big enough your troubles will always be smaller than you

Only trust those who stand to lose as much as you if things go wrong

Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes

A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place.

Remember when arguing with a fool; make sure that he is not doing the same thing

One that says that it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it

Birthdays are good for you; the more
you have the longer you live.

When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue

Ladies give a man enough rope and he will skip

The man who writes the banks advertisements is certainly not the same one who lends the money

You know when you are getting older when your favourite hang out spot is the nearest doctors surgery.

You know that you are getting older when you wont play pin the tail because when they spin you it disorients you for weeks

Remember there is nothing so small that cannot be blown out of all proportion.

The reason that musicians like to buy the most expensive violins is because the cheap ones might be a fiddle

For every woman who makes a fool out of a man there is a woman who makes a man out of a fool.

A diplomat is a man who sends 30 roses to a woman on her 39th birthday

Life is full of complications even when you are born there is a string attached

Remember all you philanderers the penalty for bigamy is two mothers in law

You know that the interview is not going well when the boss makes a paper aeroplane out of your application form.

The surest way to destroy your enemies is to make them your friends

To be a leader you need a lot of people dumb enough to follow you

Ever notice how mad people get when you are laughing and their not

Its only hopeless if you walk away

Behold the turtle.
He only makes progress
when he sticks his neck out.

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? 
 
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the atmosphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

People that want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them

There is a very fine line between **hobby** and
**mental illness**

If you have ever lent somebody $20 and never seen that person again it was probally worth it

May what you see in the mirror delight you and what others see in you delight them

Never test the depth of the water with both feet

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything

If you think that nobody cares whether you'r dead or alive , try missing a couple of mortage payments

Those that live by the sword usually get shot by those that don't

Everybody has a photographic memory, the only trouble is some don't have any film

Jealousy is the friendship one woman shares with another

People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes

The M.C is the bloke who introduces people who don't need an introduction

Most actors are all ham and ego

Some husbands come in handy round the house, others come in unexpectedly

Hollywood is the only place where the brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms

A bird in the hand is useless when you have to blow your nose

The only catch in telling a good story, is that it usually reminds the other bloke of a bad one

A pedestrian is a motorist with teenage sons

The world is full of willing people those willing to work and those willing to let them

Life is like a shower, one wrong turn and you are in hot water

A neighbour is a person that listens to you attentiveley through a wall

Newspapers are still credible, provided you read between the lies

Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun

A man never knows the value of a womans love until he has to pay maintenance

An ambitious man can never know peace

Don't tell lies just arrange the truth in your favour

Some people are like a callus they always show up when the work is done

Can a cross-eyed teacher control her pupils

Even though the world is getting smaller they keep raising postal rates

Why is it that wrong phone numbers are never busy

Shins are there so you can find furniture in the dark

Dancing isthe perpendicular expression of horizontal desire

Misers aren't much fun to live with but they do make wonderful ancestors

The biggest stumbling block a man may have is the one under his hat

A jury is twelve people chosen to decide who has the better lawyer

One thing about egotists they dont talk about anybody else

It's not what you say in your arguement it's how loudly you say it

If it doesn't fit force it if it breaks it needed replacing anyway

If every thing is coming your way then you are in the wrong lane

Every where is within walking distance if you have the time

Lead your life so that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip

We don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing

The meaning of the three balls over the pawnshop is two to one you dont get it back

It was so cold the local flasher was seen describing himself to a woman

Every man should have a girl for love companionship and sympathy, and preferably at three different addresses

The only catch in telling a good story, is that it usually reminds the other bloke of a bad one

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them and psychiatrists collect the rent

May you live as long as you want, and may you never want as long as you live

Women have only themselves to blame for all the lying men do, they ask so many questions

The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success

    Silence is not always golden
some times its guilt

Diplomacy is the art of saying " nice doggie " until you can find a rock

Never go round with another mans wife unless you can go a round with her husband

The freeway is where the drivers under 25 do 90 and the drivers over 90 do 25

Laugh and the world laughs with you, quarrel with your wife and you sleep alone

They called it golf because all the other four letter words were taken

There is nothing wrong in drinking like a fish as long as you drink what a fish drinks

A bachelor is a man who has cheated some poor woman out of a divorce settlement

A budget is a form of worrying before you spend instead of after

Talk is cheap until you talk to a lawyer

The reason that doctors wear masks is so when anything goes wrong they can't be identified

 By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail

 Computers will never replace human stupidity

 A consultant is simply a professional who cant 
  find a job of his own

 Setting a good example for your children takes all 
 the fun out of being middle aged

 Its not hard to meet expences they are everywhere

 Notice how mad people get when you are laughing and they are not

He who hesitates is sometimes saved

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yeild to it

If it wasnt for marriage husbands and wives would have to quarrel with strangers

No one is perfect but some of us are closer than others

The one that says that i carnt be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it

Of the choice of two evils, always pick the one that you have never tried before

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

A man is incomplete until he is married then he is really finished

Ladies its better to have loved and lost than spend your whole dammed life with him

The length of a minute depends entirely on which side of the bathroom door you are standing

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness

Dont drink and drive as you may hit a bump and spill it

The only difference between an Australian Wedding and an Australian funeral is one less drunk

God gave us two ends, one to think with and one to sit on. Our success depends on which one we use the most

If you cant learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly

A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place

Wise men learn much from fools, wise guys dont

Its not what you say in your argument it is how loud you say it

A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition

Why doesnt anybody say that its only a pigeon race when they are winning

For those that dont know a tooth fairy is not a gay dentist

Most people travel for a change and a rest, only to find that the hotel takes the change and the taxi takes the rest

Acupuncture fees are so cheap in China that it is called pin money

Dont buy things with money that you dont have to impress people that you dont like

An ear to the ground and a nose to the grindstone can be painfull

There is so much permissiveness in the world today that the only way to stop having sex is to get married

Its always better to be the second husband of a widow than the first

The next time your wife talks about plastic surgery, cut up all her credit cards

The first lie detector was made out of the rib of a man and they have unable to improve on the model ever since

By the time a man learns to read a woman like a book hes too old to start a libary

Before Australia became multicultural a tradition seven course meal consisted of a six pack and a pie

The latest think in mens clothing is women

On formal occasions in Australia its compulsory to wear matching thongs

If it wasnt for venetian blinds it would be curtains for all of us

Why is it that politicians only know how to fix the countrys problems whe in opposition

A DOCTOR IS A MAN WHO GETS WOMEN TO TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF THEN BILLS THEIR HUSBAND FOR IT

A tight skirt has never yet stopped a girls circulation

Women that play with fire usually end up cooking over it