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Des Moores Pigeon Domain
Words of wisdom from
Des Moore
If by laughter I can cause you to wipe away one tear from your cheek that is my only
reward
If you have a thought for the day that you would like me to add
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A woman wears a sweater to accentuate the positive and a girdle to eliminate the positive
The easiest way to teach your children the value of money is to borrow from them
You should put your wife on a pedestal, it makes it easier for her to scrub the ceiling
The advantage of speaking another language is that you can talk behind someone's back right in front of them
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the behind
Success always occurs in private, while failure happens in full public view
A bachelor is a man who never chases a woman he can't outrun
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it again
Life is a play and it's not the length but it's performance that counts
the first half of your life is ruined by your parents, the second half is ruined by your children
I am writing a drinking song, but I can't get past the first few bars
If they ever put a price on your head take it
If people listened to themselves more often they would talk less
Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old
It is better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot
Atheism is a non-Prophet organisation
The future belongs to people who see possibilities before they become obvious.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
Be on the alert to recognise your prime at whatever time of your life
it may occur
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket
Snowflakes are of nature's most fragile things, but just look what
they do when they stick together
Some people don't have much to say, but you have to listen a long time to find out
In spite of the cost of living it's still popular
You should not confuse your career with your life
You go to a Psychiatrist when you feel slightly cracked and keep going until you are completely broke
A fine is a tax for doing wrong, a tax is a fine for doing well
Every one has a photographic memory, only some don't have film
The only way three people can keep a secret is if two of them have died
The closest to perfection a person ever comes when they fill out a job application
Light travels faster than sound, that is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
When ever a baby is born it shows that god has not given up hope with this world
The most destructive force in the universe is gossip 
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know "why" I look this way. I've travelled a long wayand some of the roads
weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you
are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the
top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
One
must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Long
ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
If you don't
learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
To handle yourself, use your head, to handle others, use your heart
We never know the worth of water till the well is dry
A man's reach should exceed his grasp.
It is not hard to avoid the earthquakes of life, when you find a fault
don’t dwell on it.
A gardener is a bloke who calls a spade a spade until he falls over
one.
A nun who sleeps with her clothes on can not get out of the habit.
The upkeep of a wife is usually the downfall of a husband.
Time flies like a bullet, fruit flies like an apple.
Those who think they know it all only upset those of us that do.
You wake up to discover your waterbed broke - and you don’t have
a waterbed.
You know that you are going to have a bad day when Your blind date turns
out to be your ex wife.
No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
Never stand between a tree stump and a dog.
The two major causes of marriage break up are men and women.
The art of medicine consists of humouring the patient while nature cures
the disease.
Remember education is what you get when you read the fine print experience
is what you get from not reading it.
Know that its going to be a bad day when you walk to work and find that
your dress is tucked into the back of your pantyhose.
You know that it is going to be a bad day when you awake to find the
bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You know that you are going to have a bad day when you put your bra
on backwards and it fits better.
You know that you are going to have a bad day when you call your answering
service and they tell you to mind your own business.
You know that you are going to have a bad day when your wife says good
morning George and your name is Bill.
Know that it is going to be a bad day when you wake up face down on
the pavement.
You know that you are going to have a bad day when your tax refund cheque
bounces.
A bachelor is a bloke who never finds out how many faults he has.
Don’t drive yourself to drink, get a chauffeur.
When alone, we have our thoughts to watch, in our families, our tempers and in society our tongues
When good cheer is lacking, our friends will be packing
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
The
best throw of the dice is to throw them away
Friends are made by many acts - and lost by only one
A calm sea does not make a skilled sailor.
Borrowed Garments Never Fit Well
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life
is serious.
Drink a toast to your mums cooking and may your wife
never know how bad it was
A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition
Remember the phrase how are you is a greeting not a question.
Chooks are the only thing that you can eat before they
are born and after they are dead.
A good many people commit suicide with a knife and fork
Acupuncture fees are so cheap in china its called pin
money
Go to church on the Sunday before Christmas and avoid
rush.
Diplomacy is when you make your inlaws feel at home when
you wish they were
You dont get a second chance to make a first impression
You know that it is going to be a bad day when you awake
to find the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
If you cant learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing
it badly
Why spend money tracing your family tree, go into politics
and have your opponents do it for you
You know that you are going to have a bad day when the
abortion clinic tells you that there is a nine-month waiting list
You know that you are going to have a bad day when you
go to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there arent any
Behind every successful man stands a very surprised mother
in law
When it comes to qualifications its hard to beat having
a father that owns the company
Why is it that women say that they have been shopping
when they dont buy anything?
The only person who got all his work done by Friday is
Robinson Crusoe
If you are big enough your troubles will always be smaller
than you
Only trust those who stand to lose as much as you if
things go wrong
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb
mistakes
A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the
first place.
Remember when arguing with a fool; make sure that he
is not doing the same thing
One that says that it cannot be done should never interrupt
the one who is doing it
Birthdays are good for you; the more
you have
the longer you live.
When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're
the statue
Ladies give a man enough rope and he will skip
The man who writes the banks advertisements is certainly not
the same one who lends the money
You know when you are getting older when your favourite hang
out spot is the nearest doctors surgery.
You know that you are getting older when you wont play pin the
tail because when they spin you it disorients you for weeks
Remember there is nothing so small that cannot be blown out of
all proportion.
The reason that musicians like to buy the most expensive violins
is because the cheap ones might be a fiddle
For every woman who makes a fool out of a man there is a woman
who makes a man out of a fool.
A diplomat is a man who sends 30 roses to a woman on her 39th
birthday
Life is full of complications even when you are born there is
a string attached
Remember all you philanderers the penalty for bigamy is two mothers
in law
You know that the interview is not going well when the boss makes
a paper aeroplane out of your application form.
The surest way to destroy your enemies is to make them your friends
To be a leader you need a lot of people dumb enough to follow
you
Ever notice how mad people get when you are laughing and their
not
Its only hopeless if you walk away
Behold the turtle.
He only makes progress
when he sticks
his neck out.
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered
rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you
were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually
have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has
to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do
people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors
leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties"
plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being
would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse
carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why
does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money
to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing
the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the atmosphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when
it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him
for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
People that want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them
There is a very fine line between **hobby** and
**mental illness**
If you have ever lent somebody $20 and never seen that person again it was
probally worth it
May what you see in the mirror delight you and what others see in you delight them
Never test the depth of the water with both feet
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything
If you think that nobody cares whether you'r dead or alive , try missing a couple of mortage
payments
Those that live by the sword usually get shot by those that don't
Everybody has a photographic memory, the only trouble is some don't have any film
Jealousy is the friendship one woman shares with another
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes
The M.C is the bloke who introduces people who don't need an introduction
Most actors are all ham and ego
Some husbands come in handy round the house, others come in unexpectedly
Hollywood is the only place where the brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms
A bird in the hand is useless when you have to blow your nose
The only catch in telling a good story, is that it usually reminds the other bloke of a bad
one
A pedestrian is a motorist with teenage sons
The world is full of willing people those willing to work and those willing to let them
Life is like a shower, one wrong turn and you are in hot water
A neighbour is a person that listens to you attentiveley through
a wall
Newspapers are still credible, provided you read between the
lies
Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun
A man never knows the value of a womans love until he has to
pay maintenance
An ambitious man can never know peace
Don't tell lies just arrange the truth in your favour
Some people are like a callus they always show up when the
work is done
Can a cross-eyed teacher control her pupils
Even though the world is getting smaller they keep raising postal rates
Why is it that wrong phone numbers are never busy
Shins are there so you can find furniture in the dark
Dancing isthe perpendicular expression of horizontal desire
Misers aren't much fun to live with but they do make wonderful
ancestors
The biggest stumbling block a man may have is the one under
his hat
A jury is twelve people chosen to decide who has the better
lawyer
One thing about egotists they dont talk about anybody else
It's not what you say in your arguement it's how loudly you
say it
If it doesn't fit force it if it breaks it needed replacing
anyway
If every thing is coming your way then you are in the wrong
lane
Every where is within walking distance if you have the time
Lead your life so that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the
family parrot to the town gossip
We don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because
we stop playing
The meaning of the three balls over the pawnshop is two to
one you dont get it back
It was so cold the local flasher was seen describing himself to a woman
Every man should have a girl for love companionship and sympathy,
and preferably at three different addresses
The only catch in telling a good story, is that it usually
reminds the other bloke of a bad one
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them
and psychiatrists collect the rent
May you live as long as you want, and may you never want as
long as you live
Women have only themselves to blame for all the lying men do,
they ask so many questions
The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success
Silence is not always golden
some times its guilt
Diplomacy is the art of saying " nice doggie " until you can
find a rock
Never go round with another mans wife unless you can go a
round with her husband
The freeway is where the drivers under 25 do 90 and the drivers
over 90 do 25
Laugh and the world laughs with you, quarrel with your wife
and you sleep alone
They called it golf because all the other four letter words
were taken
There is nothing wrong in drinking like a fish as long as you
drink what a fish drinks
A bachelor is a man who has cheated some poor woman out of
a divorce settlement
A budget is a form of worrying before you spend instead of
after
Talk is cheap until you talk to a lawyer
The reason that doctors wear masks is so when anything goes
wrong they can't be identified
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail
Computers will never replace human stupidity
A consultant is simply a professional who cant
find a job
of his own
Setting a good example for your children takes all
the fun
out of being middle aged
Its not hard to meet expences they are everywhere
Notice how mad people get when you are laughing and they are not
He who hesitates is sometimes saved
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yeild to it
If it wasnt for marriage husbands and wives would have to quarrel
with strangers
No one is perfect but some of us are closer than others
The one that says that i carnt be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it
Of the choice of two evils, always pick the one that you have
never tried before
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die
A man is incomplete until he is married then he is really finished
Ladies its better to have loved and lost than spend your whole
dammed life with him
The length of a minute depends entirely on which side of the
bathroom door you are standing
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness
Dont drink and drive as you may hit a bump and spill it
The only difference between an Australian Wedding and an Australian
funeral is one less drunk
God gave us two ends, one to think with and one to sit on.
Our success depends on which one we use the most
If you cant learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly
A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first
place
Wise men learn much from fools, wise guys dont
Its not what you say in your argument it is how loud you say
it
A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition
Why doesnt anybody say that its only a pigeon race when they
are winning
For those that dont know a tooth fairy is not a gay dentist
Most people travel for a change and a rest, only to find that
the hotel takes the change and the taxi takes the rest
Acupuncture fees are so cheap in China that it is called pin
money
Dont buy things with money that you dont have to impress people
that you dont like
An ear to the ground and a nose to the grindstone can be painfull
There is so much permissiveness in the world today that the
only way to stop having sex is to get married
Its always better to be the second husband of a widow than the first
The next time your wife talks about plastic surgery, cut up all her credit cards
The first lie detector was made out of the rib of a man and they have unable to improve on
the model ever since
By the time a man learns to read a woman like a book hes too old to start a libary
Before Australia became multicultural a tradition seven course meal consisted of a six pack
and a pie
The latest think in mens clothing is women
On formal occasions in Australia its compulsory to wear matching thongs
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