| 1. Phone
answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the
psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink
says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage
trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other
day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off
the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too
5. My friend drowned in
a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after
a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel
my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your
7. I went to a seafood disco last
week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and
for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying
on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he
10. Man goes to the doctor,
with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some
cream to put on it."
11. "Doc, I
can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass
"That sounds like Tom
"Is it common? "
12. A man takes his
Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything
you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm
going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's
"No, because he's
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc,
I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
14. Two elephants walk off a
15. What do you call a fish with no
eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and
this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great,
the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5
people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my
family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or
my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says
to the other, "Your round.
The other one says, "So
are you, you fat **!$!"
19. Police arrested two
kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was
eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
20. "You know, somebody
actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a
little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he
said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places " .
The doctor said, "Well, don't
go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster
occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have
recovered 526 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the